New Things and Assurance

I have always been the kind of person who needs assurance. When it comes to things that are important to me, mainly school, family, and friends who are so close to me that they are practically family, I really stress about whether I am doing a good job, whatever that entails. With people who are close to me, that is usually easy to judge; if they seem happy and continually in contact, I know I am doing what I need to do to maintain the relationship. School is similar in that my grades provide a gauge through which I can judge how well I am doing easily enough usually. I guess you can see where this is going... in my other classes, I have started to receive grades for papers and tests while in this class, I haven't had much to assure me of how well I am doing aside from the attitudes from those who work at the studio and quite frankly, they have been so varied and apathetic at times that I have been increasingly uneasy as the semester has progressed.

After undertaking a nearly impossible project and being dragged into working long hours and events I never really signed up for, at Dr. Hallock's suggestion, I began to work with Dr. Conlon this past week at the St. Petersburg Little Theater. I knew it would work out from the beginning; he teaches my Milton class and I was able to build a repoire with him quickly this semester, reading for his Vagina Monologues in addition to being that overeager kid in class, raising my hand wildly while everyone else attempts to look invisible (I guess the fact that I love analyzing Milton should make sense considering that a class where we get to choose our assignments and determine our grade pretty directly scares the hell out of me). Dr. Conlon is, to put it simply, really cool. Remember, this is my first semester at a new school as a senior. Dr. Conlon, Dr. Hallock, and the people in our class who I share other classes with and have been able to somewhat get to know have really made this semester exponentially easier in terms of adjustment.

I went on Wednesday to meet him, not knowing exactly what we would do or how this would play out. He immediately introduced me to everyone around, who all seemed eager to meet me and even more eager for my help, and put my to work with a nail gun, sticking baseboards to the set that was collectively being built. As I mentioned in my last post, I definitely started to get comfortable at the studio, but at the Little Theater, I immediately felt a sense of acceptance and appreciation. I was getting my hands dirty with a motley crew of others who, like me, just wanted to help, no strings attached. By the end of the day I was dirty, tired, and sore, and Dr. Conlon asked if I would like to be a greeter for The Sunshine Boys, the play for which we were building the set for and opened tonight. I agreed, and showed up earlier this evening at seven, not sure what to expect (which is definitely a recurring theme this semester) but was again welcomed with open arms by the volunteers and Dr. Conlon, who keep a watchful eye over me the whole time to make sure I felt comfortable and was being treated well.

In addition, on Wednesday I mentioned to Dr. Conlon that I didn't really have a project of my own to complete this semester. I agreed to work with Ana on Dr. Sketchy which I am excited about, but I kind of wanted something all my own. He asked what I like to do (of course I replied that I like to read and write, you guys should know that by now haha) and he segued into another subject, leaving the topic alone for the time being. Well tonight when I arrived, he told me he has been thinking about it, and spoke to the board at the theater, who collectively agreed that they would really appreciate me writing a piece on them, focusing on their 85 year old history and contributions to the community. They are extremely low on funding and the general consensus is that they will be lucky to keep their doors open for even a few more months, so it makes sense to have someone write something praising them in hopes that it might get published or make its way to the view on someone or some entity that might be able to help them financially.

So now I will be working for both the studio and Dr. Conlon at the St. Petersburg Little Theater, which makes me feel better because I like being busy and feeling like I am doing as much as I possibly can. But overall, I think the theater is giving me a stronger sense of purpose and meaning, which provides me with that assurance that I so desperately crave. I guess most 23 year old girls are sort of that way, but factor in my mother's death and other various life events and it's not hard at all to analyze me on a number of levels.

Plus, Dr. Conlon said on Wednesday, "You are either writing a novel in class or take more notes than any other student I have ever encountered in 40 years of teaching" which is something he probably didn't think twice about saying but made me feel like my hard work is being noticed :)